Broken
by hateproblem
Summary: Rated for mention of suicide. Songfic. Pan reflects on how he and Lyra are growing far apart. Me first fic, go easy on me!


_**Broken.**_

_I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,  
She felt it everyday. _

All the time and everyday; the same dull pain. It burned, oh it burned, but time had washed it smooth, like a pebble, 'til all it was a bearable hurt. Pantalaimon felt it. He felt what Lyra felt. Through yellow eyes, he watched her face, tears rolling down it as she slept, awash with blue moonlight.

_  
And I couldn't help her,  
I just watched her make the same mistakes again. _

Watched at a distance. Because what was there to do? How could he help? He listened to her heart ache. Everyday. Needlessly suffering, those same mistakes where demons, and the always came back. And still Pan watched.__

What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs. 

Where _do_ we belong? Pan thinks. There is nowhere. No parents, no true home. Pantalaimon shuffled across the smooth white sheets, the strong smell of soap coming from the sheets. Whatever he did, she was hollow. His Lyra wouldn't respond like she used to. She didn't know what to do anymore, so she did nothing. Leaving Will was not as easy as they promised each other it'd be. All she heard was his voice; the hurt was taking over.

_  
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
That's where she lies, broken inside. _

Sleep was the only escape, a reprieve from the hell she went through each day. She'd broken down again today, in front of everyone. It was the cherry pie, in cooking class. The cup of cherries, linked to flashing, passionate images in the mind. Sweet exchange, the deep red fruit she'd given to him, just before their first kiss. How they'd stared! Pan wanted to rip their eyes out. A small agitated growl escaped his throat.

_  
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside. _

_Why are we broken, when we said we'd be strong?! We promised them! I can only watch while Lyra stumbles and falls!_ Little hot tears of desperate anger pinched the corners of his eyes_. I want to kill them!!_

Butwhat good would it do? What would other's hurt bring them? __

Open your eyes and look outside,  
Find the reason why, 

But no matter where they searched, there was no answer, no explanation. Was there nothing left?

A cold pale dawn spread frosty lavender light over Lyra'stear stained face. Was Will awake now? Was he thinking of Lyra too? Pan's little pink tongue darted out and wiped the tears from Lyra's face. There was no where for them to go. Alone and abandoned, but for Will.

_  
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.  
Be strong, be strong now.  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs. _

Now that glossy golden light was spilling into the dorm, the other occupants, students of St. Sophia's, were starting to stir. Pan took the sheets and pulled them further up Lyra's face. The other girls knew how she cried, and some mocked her. They didn't need to see her tears. Couldn't they understand? Why was their laughter so harsh?

_  
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
That's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside. _

Pan can't help her. No one could help her. Even though Pan could feel it too. The first sharp rays of the fully risen sun tempted Lyra's eyes to flicker open, void of emotion.__

Her feelings she hides.  
Her dreams she can't find.  
She's losing her mind.   
She's falling behind.

'_She won't talk, she won't tell me why' _Pan screamed in his mind_. 'We're one, and yet she's so far away and I find myself trying to figure her out! It shouldn't be like this.'_

What was she dreaming? That she'd never find Will? Probably.

_  
She can't find her place.  
She's losing her faith.  
She's falling from grace.  
She's all over the place.  
_

"Pan?" Lyra's voice was hoarse. "You haven't slept, have you?" She criticised, looking upon her daemon with gaunt eyes. "Stay here, and get some sleep."

Why won't she live? There's so much more._She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
That's where she lies, broken inside.   
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside.  
_

Can we fall in love again? Long years have passed. Will we die, or move on. But no, we won't.

Pantalaimon watched his Lyra walk out the door. For the very last time. She's broken. They would never ask why she died. They would never ask for whom she took her own life. But even in death, she's...

_  
She's lost inside, so lost inside..._


End file.
